Wow, it’s been a while. Sorry that there hasn’t been a posting in a bit, I haven’t had the time to really sit down and collect my thoughts. I feel like coming off this second round I haven’t been as good as I was coming off round one. It doesn’t help that I ended just before two holidays, Memorial Day and Shavu’ot, holidays jam packed with eating non-compliant foods. Since the end of my last round I’ve put that 10 pounds back on and I can see it when I take my shirt off. It makes me frustrated because I know the truth: If I want to reach a healthy place, permanently, I have to totally give up the things I crave. I knew that in round one and I’m almost tempted to do another round but I don’t want to jump to that yet. Someone asked why I couldn’t just do Whole 30 forever, I don’t know that I want to put that kind of restriction on myself indefinitely, but who knows, maybe it’s what I need. I already know eating things in moderation is something I don’t have the discipline for, even after all this I still catch myself snacking like I always have and when I drink, drinking like I did before. It’s frustrating and I become angry with myself when I do it.
We went down to Hatteras in North Carolina’s Outer Banks for Shavu’ot with my family which was a nice break although I could have done with another day or two especially if we could have gotten the kids out of our hair for that time. I love them, but the wifey and I don’t get enough time to ourselves, just being us, a couple, seperate from the role of Mom and Dad. We want to do that big “no children” vacation next year for our 10th anniversary, hopefully the finances are where they need to be to make that happen.
We’ll have to do our monthly budget meeting today. We haven’t been good about it in the past few months and we’re paying for it right now. The thought of talking about money gives me a serious anxiety attack. Mostly because I already know there’s not much there and it’s frustrating. I want to do more so our family has more, so we can have the little extras in life and not have to worry about bills not getting paid. And as the sole bread winner, I feel like Atlas, trying to hold the world up on my shoulders and scared that it’s never going to be enough, that I’m not strong enough. That is not a slight to my wife mind you. She has the serious, 24/7, job of a stay-at-home mom. Even if she worked a job it would only ever just cover child care. And I know these kids are more than a handful so I try to contribute at home as much as I can, and then I wonder if that’s enough as well.
Sorry for the pity party, this was supposed to be a check-in and it turned into a long whiney rant. In any case, I’ll check back in a few days from now, hopefully with something less serious and more upbeat and fun.